Entry 3: Lakers Exit Interviews (Part 2)
Dear Lakers Diary,
170 hours until the NBA Lottery. My days are filled with anxiety, while my nights are consumed by nightmare scenarios. This feeling of uncertainty weighs heavy on my mind constantly. It is as if I’m walking around with a 53% chance that a piano could fall on my head at any moment, but in this instance I know when this piano might fall… 170 hours. Luckily for me, a ping-pong ball doesn’t weigh as much as a piano, so I SHOULD survive. The closer the lottery gets, the more stressed out I become. I assume with 127 hours to go I will have cut my arm off like Aron Ralston. With 75 hours to go, I’ll have bought hundreds of ping-pong balls to create lottery reenactments. With 24 hours to go, I’ll be living in the woods far from civilization completely unaware of what is transpiring in the real world. And with one hour to go, I’ll be drunk back in front of my TV, chewing off the fingers on my only remaining hand. So until then, while I still have both of my hands, I guess I should finish my thoughts on the remaining Lakers exit interviews.
Leadership, consistency, and changing his body are the areas in which Russell would like to improve this offseason. Russell showed flashes of superstardom throughout the season and wants to focus on becoming more consistent with his play and approach. There was no better way to end his season than a buzzer beater to win the game on such an emotional night for the young star. As for me, I went from yelling at World Peace on my TV (why don’t they ever listen?) for his stanky-leg three-point miss to my neighbors threatening me for waking them up with my girlish screams of enjoyment after Russell’s game winner. I hate my neighbors, so this was an extra special win for me as well. I look forward to having D’Angelo continue to help me by making sure ALL of my neighbors hate me by the end of next season!
I feel like Zubac good. He showcase skill very good. He young so he can grow, which good for Lakers. Ivica no like traffic. Want to get more muscle. Okay I’m done. Even though I had to watch the interview three times to piece together his answers, his point was clear. He had a lot to adjust to this season, but in my eyes he did a remarkable job at it. I can’t imagine being so young and thrust into the spotlight of an enormous city in another country. I can barely order my food at a foreign restaurant without coming off as an enormous idiot. I usually just end up having to point at one of the pictures on the menu and hope they’re fluent in jackass. Also, let’s just pick a nickname and stick with it for this kid.
Larry Nance Jr.:
LAR-RY! LAR-RY! LAR-RY! What an original and clever chant! Dunk of the year, no doubt about it. For a player who only received a slight increase in minutes, improving in almost every offensive statistical category is a great sign for the future. Larry says he eventually wants to be considered for the defensive player of the year award. WELL, SIGN ME THE F*** UP! That’s the best thing I’ve heard out of all of these exit interviews since Clarkson fell in love with some donuts. If you can’t tell, I’m a huge fan of defense, so you can understand the nightly torture I’ve gone through these past few seasons.
Oh, you’re going to pass on the donuts Tommy boy? Well Clarkson thought they were fire, so that’s definitely a flaw in Robinson’s decision making skills. Robinson makes it very clear that he doesn’t care what people think about him anymore. Even though he said he was focusing on his diet, which is why he passed on the donuts, and really contradicts that statement. Maybe his best pass all season.
It seems like a large amount of Lakers fans don’t like Mozgov because of his contract. I don’t understand that at all, because you are worth exactly what someone is willing to pay you. Not his fault he was offered so much money. I figured the reason most Lakers fans hated him was because he killed Apollo Creed and not his contract. I MUST BREAK YOU. I actually really like how after he tells a joke he lets everyone know by just saying “joke”, I think I may start doing that. Joke.
Metta World Peace:
The artist formerly known as Ron Artest. Loved you as a Laker AGAIN for the second time, even though some nights you made me want to jump off of Queens Bridge. Joke. Metta says he wants to coach at some point down the line when he’s done playing. Well if the Celtics decide to fire Brad Stevens, I think it would be a perfect fit! Oh crap, I hope Danny Ainge doesn’t read this and steal my idea…
I’ll never be able to thank Swaggy P enough for the 2013-2014 season. I thought all hope was lost for that season after losing Dwight Howard in free agency and Kobe at the end of the previous year with his torn Achilles. Losing Kobe to that injury was the lowest of the lows for me as a Lakers fan, and believe me, I can get pretty low. I never expected to have as much fun as I did that season watching Swaggy flourish in Coach D’Antoni’s system. At one point during the year, he even got Pau Gasol to do the Swaggy 3 celebration after a made shot. It was beautiful. He made what I expected to be a terrible season actually fun to watch at times and took my mind off of the Kobe injury. I was so grateful for him I even made my girlfriend DM him when we were at a game to see what he was doing after. No response. Turns out Swaggy’s a pretty loyal guy… Nick joked about the Lakers signing him to a 150-million-dollar lifetime deal, but after last season, I assume Portland will offer him more. If Nick does decide to opt out of his contract and get buckets elsewhere, I’ll always be a grateful fan. Stay getting buckets Uncle P.
Excused from exit interviews. Hopefully the Lakers can find a team that is willing to take his contract off of our hands. Maybe Atlanta, I hear their scouting department is very fond of him.
168 hours until the lottery. Send Help!!!
A Lakers Fan