Entry 6: Big Baller Questionnaire
Dear Lakers Diary,
What makes a person worthy to hold the title of “Big Baller”? For centuries historians have gone to great lengths to dive into the minds of Big Ballers to find out what makes them the way they are. Scientists have spent their entire life’s work trying to solve this unanswerable question. Luckily for you I am an idiot and have come up with a bulletproof solution that will let you know if you truly are a Big Baller or not. Below I’ve listed ten questions that you must ask yourself to find out if you are in fact a Big Baller. Upon completion of the questions will you discover if you have what it takes. Good luck.
Big Baller Questionnaire
- Did you average a triple-single in college?
- Have you ever seen a sous-chefs shoes and wanted to make them into a basketball shoe?
- Would you pay $220 for a pair of sandals?
- Do you stay in yo lane?
- Do your teeth look like they’re trying to escape from your mouth?
- Are you the human embodiment of the And1 faceless basketball player?
- Do you waddle while you walk?
- Do you have an irrational confidence that will inevitably lead to your tragic demise?
- Are you better at basketball than Michael Jordan?
- Are you a male?
Congratulations! You have just successfully completed the Big Baller questionnaire! Count the number of times you answered “YES” to the previous questions and find out your results below!
Big Baller Questionnaire “YES” Results
0-3: Baby Baller– I would never speak of this to anyone. Consider relocation.
4-6: Participation Trophy Baller– Holds players back on bench celebrations (typically white).
7-9: In My Day Baller– Usually begin basketball stories with “When I played…”
10: Baller– Narcissistic a**hole
You may be asking yourself, if this was a questionnaire to find out if I was a Big Baller or not, then why was there no “Big Baller” result? Well first off stop talking to yourself because that’s a Baby Baller move. And secondly, there was only one surefire way to be classified as a Big Baller and it was simple. Refuse to take this dumba** questionnaire. Why you ask? Because Big Ballers answer to nobody.
A Lakers Fan