Entry 4: 2017 NBA Draft Lottery
This is a true story.
The events depicted took place in my apartment in 2017.
At the request of the survivors, the names have been changed.
Out of respect for the dead, the rest has been told exactly as it occurred.
Lakers Pulse Presents
Dear Lakers Diary,
12:15am (CT)- (Witching hour) I awake from my slumber in my bedroom to the sound of what could only be a door creaking open. A song begins to hum sung by the angelic voices of little girls, “1, 2 Philly’s coming for you. 3, 4 better drink some more. 5, 6 lose your first round picks. 7, 8 what if Ball is great? 9, 10 never tank again”. A shadowy figure appears out of my closet in a cloud of smoke. As my eyes slowly adjust to the darkness I notice this man wears a red and black horizontally striped sweater. A black fedora rests loosely on top of his bald head. The figure raises his right hand which appears to have four long knives attached to the ends of his fingers. Just as I’m about to scream FREDDY KRU… I notice what seem to be a pair of overpriced mortician shoes on the man’s feet. He begins to walk out of my closet as if he’s just walked through a spider web and is trying to shake off the spiders. The man steps into moonlight shining through my bedroom window and slowly raises his head. Who could it be? It is none other than LaVar Ball. GASP. I immediately awake from this dream as if I’m Dwyane Wade in a Gatorade commercial. Only a nightmare I remind myself… or was it…
4:45am- My alarm goes off for work and the first thing that comes to my mind is the NBA lottery. The feeling that rushes over me is similar to the feeling I got as a kid on Christmas morning going to see if Santa dropped off presents under our tree. But in this scenario that bearded bastard Santa would just be sitting in my apartment waiting until 7:30pm to either give me a present or kick me square in the ….. That big jolly a**hole better not eat all of my food.
7:22am- Could this entire year be for nothing? And don’t give me that “the team and players showed signs of progress” bullsh*t. I’m not ready to hear that. Allow me to be an irrational psychopath in peace please.
10:16am- Have you ever been in line for a roller-coaster that you didn’t have very high expectations for? All of a sudden the first twenty seconds of the ride are far better than you could’ve expected. Not saying it’s the best ride you’ve ever been on, or even in the park for that matter, but definitely a nice surprise. Then all of a sudden the next fifty seconds are flat out terrible. God awful. Will it ever end? You luck out because the ride stops for a small amount of time during this period. But as soon as it begins again it goes right back to being a crappy ride, however there were a few parts of it that you liked. Finally, you get to the last drop and its actually pretty fun which allows you to have some optimism going forward into the next season… I mean roller-coaster.
11:22am- Could I potentially be burned at the stake for having faith in black Magic?
1:46pm- Note to self: Buy scratch off ticket to test my luck.
1:47pm- And Beer.
1:48pm- And laundry detergent.
2:00pm- Stop making grocery list in diary entry.
4:12pm- Mini panic attack thinking about the possibility of having a big panic attack minutes before the lottery.
5:29pm- Figured I’d test my luck with the trusted NBA Draft Lottery simulator! The smartest way to get an idea of how the lottery will go! Never fails! Lakers fell two spots to the 5th pick… This simulator is f****** dumb anyways.
7:17pm- Currently listening to “Do You Believe in Magic” by The Lovin’ Spoonful for good luck. Not to be confused with 2 Live Crew’s “Hey We Want Some P***y”.
7:42pm- I bet Joel Embiid makes a “Trust the Process” joke.
7:44pm- Embiid makes a “Trust the Process” joke.
7:55pm- TOP 3!!! WE’RE KEEPING THE PICK!!! I knew it the whole time, wasn’t even nervous. All of you fans out there who’ve been freaking out all season look so dumb right now. Get a life losers.
7:57pm- Number 2 pick for the third straight year! Speechless. Couldn’t be happier. Well I guess if we got the number 1 pick but you get my point dick. NOT GOING TO BE GREEDY. Now the fun starts, it’s mock draft season. Who will fall to the Lakers? Fultz? Lonzo? Jackson? LaVar? Well who is it? This isn’t rhetorical I’m asking you for the answer. Yes, you. Fine I guess we’ll have to wait for the draft. Thanks for the help asshole.
8:23pm- Going to see about a bar.
A Lakers Fan